Sadness & being a bad friend
This exercise in dumping raw emotions could come off as a vainglorious laundry list of complaints. That’s not what I want so I’m going to start with myself.
My failures are many. This is the one most present on my mind.
I’ve been a terrible friend to someone incredibly important to me during the COVID-19 pandemic.
If I make a list of the people that are more important to me than my own life, they will be on that list.
If I make a list of the people that put me above themselves with their own actions, they will be on that list.
If I make a list of the people that have never done a single thing to hurt me (short list), they will be the absolute top of that list.
I am talking about one of the best friends I have ever had. A person that I absolutely love. A person that has absolutely loved me.
At some point during the pandemic I recognized a glow that came over them. It wasn’t all at once, this emotional glow grew over time. It was beautiful to see.
And then I realized I had no idea what was causing it.
I should’ve known.
If this person is someone I love the way I think it do, how could I not know what was happening on their life to make them so happy.
I realized: wow, I’m a terrible friend.
I’ve been lazy.
I’ve been complacent.
I’ve been inconsiderate.
I finally took the initiative to talk about these positive changes that they were broadcasting with a beautifully enriched and emotionally swollen affect.
As I took this in it slowly dawned on me that this friend has moved past me. Moved on into a better world. Moved on in their life.
And I missed it.
I cut myself out with my indifference & indolence. They had been such a perfect friend for so long that I didn’t even realize my own inattentiveness until it was too late.
I’m sad because I miss my friend.
I’m angry because it’s my fault.